I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize