mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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