Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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