Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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