I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize