Hey man sorry I got all grabby
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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