oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
