omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
