Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize