Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
