Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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