I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
