dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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