What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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