Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
handjob tips. give me some.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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