dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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