A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
