Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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