he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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