come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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