So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
