Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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