you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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