i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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