Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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