I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
