we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
