so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
