I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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