I wish I could punch you in the face.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
