everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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