When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize