Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
