My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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