I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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