Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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