I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
