hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
