I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
