May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
