If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
