I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
