If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
