they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
