If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My feet surprised me
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