I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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