If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize