I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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