Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk

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(773): View more from Illinois

not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(502): View more from Kentucky

If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.

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(858): View more from California

someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires

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(586): View more from Michigan

Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.

(810): View more from Michigan

I hate you so hard.

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