you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
