non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
