I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
