Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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