I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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