did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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