I met the friendliest cop last night
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
