You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
