Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize