I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
