I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize