I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize