I just pynch a tree in the face
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
